“Coffee’s fine for Humans. Caffeine gives their nervous system a kick, increased focus and a short term energy boost. You, my friend, are a lot smaller, and the dose of caffeine you’d receive would be far in excess of your capacity. We’re talking hyperactivity, racing heartbeat, damaged kidneys and seizures if not straight-up death. In short; no. Fuck off.”

The chicken quietly moved on.

Customers are dastardly. They haggle, they hustle, they initiate surreptitious insurance scams using fowl too dumb to know better. Maybe I’m the one with the smarts of a yardbird running nightshift at a café in the outer limits.

Sure, it looks like I’m lacking ambition but I’m on a long term assignment where precision matters more than speed. I’m putting out feelers for a realm that has turkeys six feet high. My perp bludgeoned her special guy to death with a giant leg from her freezer. By the time the cops turned up, she‘d fed them the evidence in sandwiches.

His ghost reached out to his representative, his representative commandeered a psychic and to cut a long story short I got the location of a safety deposit box with a newly purchased engagement ring inside.

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