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What is WRONG with some men? Is this what dating is like nowadays?(self.TwoXChromosomes)
submitted 1 month, 4 weeks ago* (edited 18 hours, 53 minutes after) by nadiekconozcas to /r/TwoXChromosomes (13.6m)
So I (41F) recently started getting back into the dating scene after being with my husband for 13 ye...
since 1 month, 4 weeks ago
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Unfortunately I've heard a lot of stories similar to yours lately. It seems like being rough and violent has become some kind of default to men (because porn? I dunno). Being slapped and choked used to be something that didn't just happen by default, but it seems like in the last decade it's become so commonplace that men just expect to be allowed to do it.
It's absolutely not acceptable. I'm so sorry ♥️
Yup. I’ve never gone younger or older but last year I dated a 32yo (when I was 41). Mostly because I mistakenly thought he was 38 at first! (I met him via a 38yo friend) He fully choked me (ie: strangled) without prior discussion. I was really upset. I could not believe he did that. He was flabbergasted because it is so normalised amongst people of that age now I guess? I couldn’t breathe and I panicked, what the actual fuck? How has this become normal? And this was a sensitive, sweet, mostly great guy.
But but. If he’s reasonably intelligent he should know that’s not something a person just does.
Right. Even with porn brain being a thing, you have to at least be pretty fucking dumb to just slap or strangle someone because you saw it on the internet. Or ya know, a terrible person. But assuming ignorance.
even if all your previous partners passionately begged for it that does not mean your next one will want it.
This
That's insane. Weird porn should have a mandatory consent class you have to click through in order to watch it at the very least. Even if you know someone WANTS the choking, you 1) ASK ANYWAY and 2) press down on the sides of their neck so that they feel the pressure but can still breathe. He was doing it wrong on at least 2 counts, I'm so sorry. Ignorance does not make up for something like this
Can't pressing the side cut off blood flow? My understanding is that's just as dangerous as cutting off air.
Yep. Can have a nasty side effect. Stroke. No thanks.
Damn, just did some reading and that's crazy. Not gonna stop but I'll at least be scared every time now 🤷♀️
All choking is dangerous but from my understanding, it's easier to injure the trachea than it is to cause an injury by just restricting blood flow
One time I was sitting in my bf's car with a friend of his waiting for bf to return from the ATM. I was in the front seat, Friend was in back.
Friend thought it would be funny to grab me in a (loose) chokehold and shake me around. I spun around, knocked his hands loose, and punched him in the face yelling "Never do that again!" He bounced back from the back of the car seat and I hit him again. He wouldn't come within arms reach of me for two weeks.
And he was a Marine, all 5'4" inches of him.
I'm sure I'm picturing him more bouncily and cartoonish than it really was, but I am very much enjoying the mental image of this retribution.
I am hoping though that your bf kicked him out of the car for this shit though?
I didn't say anything, and I doubt Friend did either.
I figured it was settled, and bf had a temper, so I doubt that Friend wanted risk his ire.
May I suggest that he wasn't all that great after all? I am so sorry that happened to you. I'm also sorry this insanity is somehow becoming normalized.
Oh no, I agree. I’m saying there were no red flags. He was an absolute sweetie-pie 99.9% of the time. He thought I indicated he should do this, I didn’t want my breathing constricted though, I just like to be touched on my neck. Not choked! I explained how dangerous what he did was and he was very shamefaced and horrified and said previous partners (all his age and younger) have wanted to be choked. But… did they?
Probably because they too are getting twisted by what they see in porn.
SMDH. Yeah, I doubt it.
I don’t get it at all. I’ve been called weird because I also refuse to send anything but g rated pics unless specifically asked.
I don’t even know what to say, my mind is literally blown reading through this thread. I had no idea that this was so normalized. Is this solely because of porn? Manosphere grifters pushing this? I am in shock.
Ikr? My hubs is in his sixties and our sex life is wonderful and very vanilla by today’s standards. I already have said that if anything ever happens to him I’ll be celibate forever but these threads just reinforce that for sure.
Belly-to-belly missionary is fine! Porn has warped an entire generation of people. Sex doesn’t have to be the bedroom equivalent of the thunder dome! I was going to say this is a guy problem but being completely honest this has become an issue across the board. The more it gets normalized to see/do the more it gets done. Then you end up with situations like OP went through.
The things women have asked me to do is wild, but they asked, we discussed it and went from there. But there WAS a conversation. I’m not a prude and I don’t care what people do with each other so long as they’re both consenting adults but it has to be a conversation prior to going off menu with crazy shit. That mfer didn’t even hint what OP was in for.
You’re right, it has warped peoples brains and sex drive. They have gotten stress and arousal all mixed up so now they rely on this level of newness and excitement and probably fear because they find it difficult to relax, be connected to themselves and their partner and still be aroused. It’s a problem.
As far as I know that isn't normal for 32. I'm 31 and have never heard anyone around my age do this. If people around me are in to kinks, they are always communicating correctly and make sure it is all consensual.
Was about to comment the same thing. Im early 30’s and as far as I know it’s not particularly prevalent in this age range?
I have a hard time digesting the concept of porn brain. Ive heard from men who talk about it as well, as it related to their self-labeled sex addiction. I do believe it’s a real thing. What’s harder to understand is how that equates to real world interactions with other people, where you slap the shit out of them with no provocation. Fucking baffling.
They need to start putting disclaimers in porn: "the media you are about to consume is fantasy and not representitive of reality."
I’m 25 and it is not normal men are just comfortable being psychopaths now and want to normalize it. That being said I haven’t dated since 2018… if my friends ever told me that tho I’d say the same thing
>and this was a sensitive, sweet, mostly great guy.
he doesnt sound like it lol
This is completely insane to me. And I’m into BDSM. Like I like this stuff. But the point is discussions. I didn’t do it with everyone. Slapping on the face is a huge no no for me. As is degrading language. It is completely insane to me that someone would do this without any kind of conversation whatsoever… And mind you. I wasn’t super safe about it (I was young and stupid) but this type of shit NEVER used to be this common 10 years ago.
Exactly. Face-slapping was practically taboo, back in my day, because so many folks (female and male!) found it intimately wounding. It hurt their hearts. Degrading language wasn't, but I met hardly anyone who'd just drop that on a partner without knowing for a fact that they genuinely loved it.
Choking was just banned. Choking your partner in a public play-space would get things halted immediately and your asshole self escorted out immediately. Almost as importantly, folks would pass your name around so that everyone would know you're not safe to partner with and you don't follow the stated rules. And I know for a fact that part reason for that was absolutely to protect people like us who were young and stupid :)
But it was only part of the reason.
A lot of things that used to be extreme are super common now. Getting involved in breath play and choking basically came with a warning label. Now any broccoli head off the street thinks he is a dom who can choke a girl without knowing the right way to do so, or the risks involved.
They are revealing their true character to us and how much they deeply look down on us. Staying single is the only way to go, and I hate that that's true, but that's reality.
I recommend looking into 4B
being 4B is the easiest thing in the world compared to this shit
I don’t think that’s the case as much as it’s just become so normalized in porn. It’s really in so much of it, it’s not that the person looks down on women as much as it’s just kinda what you do in today’s media.
The fact that it ever became normalized says a lot about the men who initially saw it and chose to accept it again and again to the point that it became normalized. It never set off the alarm bells it should have set off in any decent human being, and that just tells you that they were missing those alarm bells to begin with.
Yes.
That can't be it. I watch tons of porn and that shit is a huge turn-off for me.
I fear that they’ve always instinctively wanted to do it. That’s why it’s in porn, as a fantasy. They held off for the most part for a century or so there. But now we’re headed back to the old days.
Oh it’s absolutely because of porn. I don’t know if people understand how normalized it has become. There’s and entire generation of young men (and women) thinking that slapping and choking is vanilla. Really sad.
But isn’t this post about someone in his 40s with emotional intelligence? He should have had previous partners and developed a sexual identity outside of porn. I find it unlikely he doesn’t know better. This is just assault.
Porn brain.
I think being rough and violent was always the default for most of them.
Not only that but even when it's discussed I've heard horror stories from friends...they bring up kink and likes/dislikes and it all seems copacetic until they are in the middle of doing the deed and turns out they have no clue how to safely engage in the kink.
From the people who I heard from they (rightly or wrongly) assumed that if a guy was bringing up kink it was because they had engaged in it before or researched it and had some idea of boundaries and safe play...when I reality it seems like it's all "I saw this on porn, I've never looked deeper into it outside of seeing a scene I liked. " And that's how you find out that the dude choking you has never heard of breath play 🫠
it seems to be a pretty big problem nowadays. i’m kinky and anyone slapping me is getting kicked to the kurb immediately (before asking cause wtf aren’t you asking and after because my answer will always be no to being slapped). even breath play, which i’m actually into, is smth i just don’t do cause of the dangers, anyone doing that (it’s classified as edge play for many for a reason) out of nowhere is straight up unsafe to have sex with.
I don't know a single damn person for which putting hands on their partner is acceptable or common place. People be throwing around the word 'kink' but in the kink community consent and conversation are PARAMOUNT with respect. It's porn. I don't see any way this concept of a thought is slipping into the mainstream consciousness other than porn.
I can echo a similar situation that another person replied elsewhere in this thread and that is that some women out there have a desire or expectation that men will do this type of thing (and worse) and that talking about it beforehand or positive consent is a turn off for them. She explained to me that she wanted me to be dominant and that it would get her off to have me be so overcome with lust for her that I'd aggressively "take" her. In my case it was something that I had no interest in doing, and she ended the relationship very shortly after that because we were apparently not sexually compatible with each other.
I'm not going to say that the world is full of women that think that way, but there's some percentage.
Ok I have done the choking when I was doing the man thing but it was always a gentle pressure, never violent and never enough to make breathing difficult. As there are some great pressure points in the neck. But there is 100% wrong ways to do it. one is so stop blood or airflow, that's dangerous as fuck. The goal is to put pressure on the nerves to cause the receiver to have increased pleasure. You are activating erogenous zones. Especially while giving them oral. You arent trying to strangle or hurt they women. ANd I have always asked my partners if I should stop or keep going. As is starts out light and work up to more pressure. anyways I digress. Men think nothing of pleasing their lovers and only of getting their dick wet.